Success and failure

The title of this post reflects the subject on which I have spent much thought and consternation over the past seven plus months. A classic dilemma: what are the qualifications for the two categories? How, in the world of complexities, can we fit any situation in either camp?

These designations are the hardest when we are evaluating ourselves. Without the advantage of objective perspective, we can linger on our shortcomings, or be blinded by the rush of accomplishment, even after time has passed. I have, after the first semester of my graduate school career, felt like a failure, and have slowly been attempting to climb out of that dark pit. I have to admit that it is partly self-serving to discuss this in the public domain—cathartic. But it is also out of empathy; the world presents us all with unique, often discouraging challenges. What I hope I can provide for others is just that, hope.

My greatest weaknesses, at least professionally, are my inept memory and complete paralysis when faced with lack of complete control. I have spent many years looking back on past accomplishments and wondering what it was that enabled me to succeed, to gain the respect and approval of those I sought to emulate. Nostalgia can be such a dangerous weapon. How often do we remember so clearly the merits and awards of our actions only, forgetting the hardship, frustration, and confusion of the means to the laudatory end?

At the heart of the problem, I have concluded, is the way we view our weaknesses. Overcoming adversity of any kind requires adaptation. You could say that 90% of life is trial and error. Some inabilities, be they physical or psychological, can be resolved. Adapted behavior, medical treatment, some path of change. And some you have to learn to live with. In some situations, you can emphasize the strengths you do have, but at some point, you will be faced with a challenge that hits at the heart of your insecurities. The easiest solution prescribe is the hardest to enact: not to get discouraged. To realize that every success is prefaced by failure, and sometimes it takes a very long time to get to your success. And sometimes the success looks nothing like the original goal you had in mind. But the only way to make success totally and absolutely impossible is to let yourself stop trying. It is always easier to accept the finality of failure, of an end to the misery of disappointment. To continue takes tremendous faith. When you find that have lost the faith entirely, take a closer look at your path. While failing to achieve the higher, ultimate goal, you will generally find that smaller successes have put themselves along your way.

I am, yet again, at a personal an professional crossroads. I cannot tell you where it will lead my, what new goals I may pursue, what paths I may choose. But I have found so much more has happened in bringing me to this place, despite my nagging self-hatred's attempts. Call it chaos theory, theology, American values, or whatever you may. But life is too beautiful and too short not to be realized.

the 25th hour: shocking beauty

Courtesy of the indie cable channel and my DVR, I've just watched the film The 25th Hour, directed by Spike Lee. It's a New York love story. A story of loves and loving in New York, a story of love for New York. But mostly, it's about coming to terms with the loss of life, and our struggles with saying goodbye to "what might have been."

I don't know if the story was written and later incorporated the post-9/11 city of New York as a setting and a character, or if the entire project was formed with the aftermath of the fallen towers as its starting point. But without it, this would be an interesting film, a well-crafted film, and a forgettable film. The dual leads of New York and Monty Brogan are nothing without each other. Together, their interwoven stories lift this film into the tragic sublime: a beauty so painful it kills you, and a wound so honest you turn the knife yourself. But this is a post-modern tragedy. The city and the man share every flaw and component to classic tragic drama, but what we are left with at the end of the story is not simply catharsis through the ultimate demise of each, but hope. We must rely in part on our faith in the main characters, aided by both Norton's superb acting and the documented shows of love and support throughout New York in the aftermath of the attacks. It is the willing sacrifice of others, Brogan's loved ones and the city's many victims, who redeem Brogan, NYC, and we the viewers.

You simply cannot fully appreciate either this film or the tragedy of the World Trade Center without living in or around New York City. This is a bold statement which is sure to provoke many of you who have empathized fully with those whose families were involved with the attacks. It's not just a matter of understanding terror or loss; this event involves the living, breathing organism that is New York City, a place so unique, so multi-faceted, and so large that it is most easily understood as an abstract concept than a living being. This film excels at capturing intimate fragments of the life underneath the shell of the "Big Apple." The park where Edward Norton's character walks his dog is the same park where I've joined friends in an outing with their pooch. The interior of the club where I would argue the climax occurs may look like any generic Hollywood set on the inside, but the outside is nestled into the Dumbo area underneath the dark protection of the Brooklyn Bridge. Just as the writing reveals Brogan's deepest flaws and greatest character strengths through dialogue, it critiques the practices of Wall Street and the self-sabotaging practices of gangs and the illicit drug industry. But it also reveals the hard work and determination of the many immigrants who call the city home, and of the relationships that cross social boundaries of race, economy and language.

At the end of the day, the entire city is looking to be saved like Brogan's wounded mutt, when it is their unity with each other that brings them through.

I've been a bad, bad blogger

Alrighty then!

I have been liberated from the temporal confines of school and wedding planning, and have re-emerged into "life." Reading novels, watching films, spending time with friends and family, what a wonderful life it is!

So, I'm not going to attempt to catch you all up on the past five months of my life, but I will hit the highlights. I took a course at Princeton with hal foster (aka The Man). My petition to continue as a doctoral candidate was denied by the faculty, forcing me to take the master's exam in august. I am still weighing the possibility of re-petitioning in the spring, with a different stance each time the wind blows. I had a great interview for a paid, part-time internship with the Jersey City Museum for next August-May, and have sent an application in to MoMA as well. My plan is to continue gaining experience in the nation's cultural capital, where it is somewhat easier to do so in a museum setting (at least with any prospect at monetary compensation), in the hopes of moving closer to home.

I got married! It was very stressful, but it turned into a very beautiful, casual, loving day.

Ok, so hopefully I will be blogging more again. I realize the only people reading this are those with RSS feeds, so hopefully i can gain my sparse readership back.

Here's to a new start!

Mentally challenged

In discussing gun control, particularly in light of the one-year anniversary of the tragedy at VTech, Hillary singled out threatening typologies that should be prevented from bearing military arms. Along with gang members and criminals, she added "the mentally challenged."

Mentally challenged refers to those whose IQ is below 70-75.

Mentally disased refers to those of us who live with mental illness, whether treated or not. This often stems from chemical imbalances in the brain which effect behavior.

Clearly, the student at Virginia Tech had an adequate IQ for acceptance to a fine public institution of higher learning. And as we now know, he was suffering from mental illness. Illnesses are treatable. Mental retardation is not. Thanks for your thoughtful understanding, HC.

New plan

I had been planning to continue my studies at Rutgers through to the PhD, and submitted my petition to do so. I heard this morning that my petition was denied, so I will be taking the rest of the calendar year to work, network and serve internships to prepare for re-entering the working world. i will also be using this time to search for how I can best serve my family and community through my work with art and hopefully museum institutions.

Request for Help

Hi, dear friends. I have been following the presidential campaign, and I have chosen to support Barack Obama because of his focus on making health care affordable for everyone, goal to revise education, and my faith in his ability as a diplomat who can rebuild our alliances in the world. I have other reasons based on interviews, debates and critical discussion, which I encourage you all to engage in in making your own choice. If you share my enthusiasm for Obama, please visit my fundraising site for the campaign.

Thank you!

THIS is what's wrong with America

It is truly impossible for me to adequately express how much the idea of this show absolutely enrages me. It seems like every commercial I see is focused on people balking at how much they are in love with their partner. First of all, if you have those kinds of doubts, why go on this show? Secondly, why, oh why, would anyone be so tantalized by this commercial that they actually wanted to watch and experience joy at someone else making a fool of themself and possibly sabatoging their lives. And all for money. Why is something like this even allowed to become a reality? Who that creates a show like this can sleep at night? I am even more livid about this show than I am about the morbid, fetishistic fascination American pop culture has with Britney's total inability to function. Maybe the show is not as morbid in actuality as it seems, but that in no way lessens the intense rage I feel when I see its commercials.

Who programs at FOX? How can a network that fostered the Simpsons produce so much total and utter crap?

Isn't this a basic lesson we all learn in school? That gossiping and masochistically enjoying the fall of the popular or successful is immature? Don't give me that "she's a product and she made the choice to be" crap, either.